Wednesday, August 07, 2013

Walking in others' shoes

I don't know why but lately I can get so grumpy over those little things which most people would regard as trivial, such as having to change the menu for fast breaking just now just because we are suddenly out of santan. Ugh this feeling is freaking stupid. The worst of all is when I don't know how to express my real feeling of being extremely agitated. That's why I feel this pinch of pain inside my chest; the pain of harboring that anger without letting go. 

what I said when a friend asked me to be patient 
(Ya Allah, save me from the dirty deed of cursing people)

Yeah well but because of not being able to let go of the heavy feelings, memang rasa sakit lah hati ni. Sakit sangat-sangat. Allah je tahu macam mana dalam dan pedihnya tusukan qalbu itu. Aku ni jenis pemendam rasa. Jenis yang suka kumpul dan longgok perasaan negatif aku di satu sudut hati. Lama-lama, timbunan perasaan yang berbundle-bundle tadi menjadi satu bencana besar sebab once da explode memang kalah lah letupan nuklear kat Hiroshima dengan Nagasaki tu. Okay too much for analogy now.

I think there are other people who are in the same stance as mine. Because it's not easy to be open all the time so people like us tend to keep all those feelings to ourselves. There are pros and cons actually to be born being this way. What's good about it is that we can avoid any unnecessary arguments and maybe blood spill (okay too exaggerated). Yeah just imagine. You are mad at someone and you just happen to be a very straightforward person hence you become too blatant in telling that person what's in your mind along all those cursing words pouring like blood of a laceration. Poor the other party who had to face your anger on the spot. Of course he/she will feel intimidated and sad and sometimes to the point of feeling like such a total major loser. What more if that person is being scolded at public. Imagine how big the impact of that embarrassment would be. Maybe the person would be too embarrassed to go open in public, or maybe he will hold a grudge against you. So be careful not to be too straightforward nor too open. Your tongue is sharper than any sword.

Okay the cons of being too reclusive like me is the tendency to keep all those ugly thoughts for some time to the point of hurting myself. You know the power of mind right? If we keep all those negative feelings without being able to let them out, they will be like a plague. The plague can actually eat you and kill you from your inside. It starts from a small innocent dot of feeling, which gradually grows into a clot and eventually into a big chunk of deadly black mass inside your heart. This is the dangerous part. It only waits to be exploded. Once exploded, you know what will happen to your surrounding and people around you. It's too devastating to say here. If you know what I mean.

To me, it's good to spill some anger once in a while. But learn to control it so that not so many people got affected. Some people, they tend to express their anger until innocent people got involved. Why should you become angry till the point of hurting innocent people, people who got nothing to do with your problem? It is not fair. Unleash your anger to the person who make you angry. That's the correct way of being angry.

As for me, I used to become like those WWF stars who slammed chairs on the floor while wrestling. Seriously I used to be like this. Though it was kind of barbarian-like to express the anger this way, it somehow gives me satisfaction. It makes me relieved from all the anger and madness and chaotic mind. Even my family knew how ganas I was before this. HAHAHA. Ganas enough to the point of slamming wooden chair till it broke into pieces you know? You dare or not? Itu dulu, sekarang aku da lebih matang and most importantly, siuman.

As of now, I opt for much healthier ways of expressing anger-cum-reducing stress. I sing. Yeah even though I may not sound like any regular singer, I still love to sing. Sometimes, I will even sing out loud in front of the person who made me mad as to make me forget and curb my anger. Never did I care the wrong notes or pitches or tempos I hit while singing my favorite songs (which I always do).  Bhahahah. I just enjoy singing. I enjoy singing any song; Malay, English, Japanese, Korean- even Hindustan!!! You name it bebeh. Just try it for yourself. Singing is a good therapy. Listening to music also do the tricks but I usually can't help singing along the songs I played. I just simply love music and singing. It kind of soothes my heart.

Ini warna sebenar seorang aku satu masa dulu, especially when people (especially siblings) make unnecessary noise but refused to be silent even after so much warnings given *sigh*

I think all these stupid specific acts of violence come from the fact of me walking in others' shoes. Allah help me.

p/s: eventually, all these things would make sense. just bear with it baby.

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mellow melodies

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where you can reach me.