I have this kind of phobia; AGORAPHOBIA. It’s a type of fear towards people. Yeah, it might sound foolish but it is the truth. I always love to isolate myself and avoid social interactions because I fret of getting hurt, or maybe hurting others. I had seen so many evidences that people who love to mingle around and make alliances with others in their microcosm of life often ended up being hurt. Sometimes, they hurt others. I am afraid to face this thing. I do NOT wish to be hurt.
Whenever you make friends with people out there, you cannot expect that everybody is similar in terms of behavioral natures. Like what they say, when you know you do not bite lions, do not expect the lions are not gonna bite you. That’s the law of the universe; cruel yet easy to comprehend. I often tried hard in controlling my words so that I would not harm anybody. And often I expect others will do the same. But life is not that innocent; they’re those who love to curse and humiliate others, talking back (backbiting) and become hypocrites in what they say. Because let’s face it; some people were just born to be mean!
Mingling around and building relationships with people can make one’s weaknesses to unveil. It’s common. Some may use those weaknesses as analogous weapons to go against you. Some may try to help you overcoming them. That’s why I refused to reveal everything about myself. It is perilous. You don’t know which one of your friends can keep secret about all the things you revealed to them. So I always remember to keep mum about almost everything about me in order to reduce the risk of getting hurt.
Being an outcast is so not healthy though. But then again I must admit that I am such a coward; I dare not to be open with others. I am so afraid of being laughed at or being made fun of. It’s just humiliating. Who loves being treated like a bunch of clowns? Tell me.
I am just afraid that people will say that I am arrogant or snobbish. No I am not. I am trying to keep certain distance with people so that I will not be a victim of those scumbags who only know how to exacerbate bad things and hid good things. Like what people say, nine good things we did could never forgive one single bad thing we do. People would always look up for one bad thing. That’s how judgmental people are getting nowadays.
If I am to describe who I am- I am lack with confidence. Passion? Well, maybe I got enough passion but the road towards my dream is a bit blurry and obscure so the efforts is more like those of a snails’ sluggish move. Ahah! I am beavering myself towards the thing and hopefully Allah will ease my bumpy path.