Saturday, August 30, 2014

Remorse and Guilt

"I really wish there would be a device that can make use of some kind of laser-like beam which can penetrate deep into my brain and erase all those painful and humiliating memories forever so that I would not longer be haunted by those gruesome pasts that often give me nightmares. I just really wish to start anew."

Sometimes, it is hurtful to have eidetic memory.

I could still recall all those bad things I experienced when I was a child. I tried my best to erase them, pretended those events never happened, but I think the bad memories are way much stronger than my will to forget them. When I finally get to repress those memory into a dormant state, it could suddenly pops out of nowhere and haunts me, lingering around like that creepy white clouds over my head. I really wish I can sieve all those bad thoughts and memories, and compress them into a black box chained into an impenetrable object and lodge it far farrrr away into my brain. But this never happens. I tried this so many times before but never succeeded. I kept on being driven into a turmoil of guilty pleasures and pain of remorse over and over again. The circle was cruel and kills me from inside. It's much more painful than cutting my own flesh with a dagger. 

I kind of feeling I should tell somebody about this but I don't know who. I kept hurting myself, succumbing to my own hideous urges, and gets all remorseful after. You don't know how painful to deal with it. Yes, I know I must find ways of dealing with this before I finally bit the dust so that I can meet Allah with pure heart and minimized sins. 

In my case not boat, a laptop

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mellow melodies

where you can reach me.

where you can reach me.