Saturday, August 30, 2014

Remorse and Guilt

"I really wish there would be a device that can make use of some kind of laser-like beam which can penetrate deep into my brain and erase all those painful and humiliating memories forever so that I would not longer be haunted by those gruesome pasts that often give me nightmares. I just really wish to start anew."



Sometimes, it is hurtful to have eidetic memory.



I could still recall all those bad things I experienced when I was a child. I tried my best to erase them, pretended those events never happened, but I think the bad memories are way much stronger than my will to forget them. When I finally get to repress those memory into a dormant state, it could suddenly pops out of nowhere and haunts me, lingering around like that creepy white clouds over my head. I really wish I can sieve all those bad thoughts and memories, and compress them into a black box chained into an impenetrable object and lodge it far farrrr away into my brain. But this never happens. I tried this so many times before but never succeeded. I kept on being driven into a turmoil of guilty pleasures and pain of remorse over and over again. The circle was cruel and kills me from inside. It's much more painful than cutting my own flesh with a dagger. 





I kind of feeling I should tell somebody about this but I don't know who. I kept hurting myself, succumbing to my own hideous urges, and gets all remorseful after. You don't know how painful to deal with it. Yes, I know I must find ways of dealing with this before I finally bit the dust so that I can meet Allah with pure heart and minimized sins. 








In my case not boat, a laptop

Monday, August 25, 2014

Effeminate Man? or Masculine Woman?






Somehow I just can't grind the fact that I am more inclined towards that acquired taste of MEN. To me, men's stuffs are much cooler and bigger and larger than life, whereas women's stuffs are too flowery and perhaps too fragile and vulnerable. And maybe the main reason why I am being like this is because women's stuffs are usually smaller for me, who has extraordinary size for a Malay gal. I usually fail to get suitable size for mostly all things, therefore I opt for men's sizes since the smallest men's size would be fit me well enough.



Just like the one I got for myself today for realizing I had an expired driving license (two months already!!!). How irony is that for someone who realized how lackadaisical and absent-minded she could be that she forgot to check the duedate. Well, it is not much of an irony since the thought of buying the watch came way much longer before the realization of the license.




The watch has this purple strap and big dial. I was mesmerized. I had always been looking for purple strap wristwatch but the last one I checked the price was around RM500! Crazy huh? Until I gazed upon this beautifully laid piece of time through the glass-paned display in the store at Giant. I thought it was for women due to its effeminate color. After surfing I know that it's for men. Well, it does make sense since it has that big dial. No matter, I love this watch. Simply put and elegant!!!





All for RM55. 1 year warranty. LOLSSSS.




You made my dayyyy

Friday, August 22, 2014

Ramble and Rumble

Salam.




Semalam ada gotong royong lab. Asalnya aku berniat untuk tidak turut serta, namun apakan daya peer pressure punya pasal maka aku paksa diri aku. Sebelum start gotong royong, ada briefing. Banyak sungguh peraturan baru En Yusri explain kat kitorang, yang masing-masing da start buat muka pelik. Dalam tengah duk syok dengar briefing (sambil berangan), En Yusri cakap macam ni,




"Student Dr Khairul Anuar take note eh. Bukan kami nak halau korang, tapi disebabkan lab siswazah dah dikhaskan untuk budak yang buat kimia tak organik maka lab ni akan dihuni students tertentu saje,"




Terkejut bak ang. 





Paham-paham jelah maksud dia tu iye dok? Kena pindah la nampak gayanye. Hahaha. LOLSS. Serius terkejut dan terkedu. Ottoke?






Memangla dia cakap try apply dulu. Kalau ada tempat baru pindah, kalau dok boleh mitok stay. Ye ke dok? Harap2 bleh la stay. Cumanya ada hikmah gok if aku kene pindah. Sebabnya, once lab tu dipenuhi mereka yang berkimia tak organik, semestinyalah berbau lab tu. Memang berbahaya.








All is well. Never fear for there are solutions to every problems.







things wil never be the same no more

Sunday, August 17, 2014

RAYA 20.

16 Ogos 2014.





Open house raya. Ajak kawan-kawan UMT; budak KIMIA, budak IMB (Institute of Marine Biotechnology), and last but not least kawan baik BFF of course ada jugak membawa tekwan untuk sahabat yang kebuloq nak makan tekwan. Meriah! Serius tak expect sebegitu ramai tetamu dan alhamdulillah tak ade masalah ketidakcukupan makanan. Rasanya dalam 50 orang gok hok mari. Exact figure memang tak tau just main approximation je. Lols. Makanan? Superb. Hehehe.




Menu:


Nasi dagang
Sate ayam
Soto ayam
Sotong Sumbat
Tapai
Karipap
Kuih asam gumpal
Gula2
Assortments of Kuih2 kering





Antara menu yang ada. Tak termakan yuolsss. Kenyang bak ang. Aku paling suka soto sebab soto sedap!!!!! First time buat soto alhamdulillah mantopp. Rasa apa? Rasa soto lah ape lagi hahahaha, lol kah. 






Semangat iols lukis peta untuk yuolss








Huk aloh Ali menyelit blakang








3 alumni USIM --- bergabung!






Bff ngan adiknya jauh datang dari kerteh. Daebak.





Yeah. Begitulah kesudahannya.

Friday, August 15, 2014

Sticky Note.

Today I was busy helping my mom buying all the necessities for tomorrow's event; OPEN HOUSE. We went to Pasar Chabang 3. So many things and so many people there! And not to mention, so many cats.



After coming back home, I started cleaning my room. Ya Allah, my room was engulfed with dust! There were like clumps of suffocating dusts everywhere! I pulled the wardrobe and was shocked to see dusts in clumps. It was miraculous. How could sloughed off dead skin cells accumulate to that hills of dusts? It was amazing.




After done cleaning and organizing, I felt a relieve. Boy does the room not feel much more better to breathe in. I love this.




Talking about a topic unrelated to the ones above, I figured that from TBBT, I learnt the cornucopia of mellifluous words. It is a good way of assuaging the many hours spend to watch the series. Hahaha. And sticky notes really help a lot. Like when you paste those tiny yellow notes on your board and everytime you stare at it, you will definitely be refreshed of those new words. Yiehhaaa.





the face.





Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Jampi.

Hari ni hari yang menggembirakan. Sebabnya pagi tadi masa pakai skirt biru yang aku baru beli kat Giant tu, aku terpaksa tarik belt dia kasi lepas 6 lubang. So evidently, perutku semakin mengecut. Cewah! Maka kaki dengan bahagia melangkah ke makmal dengan hati berbunga-bunga. Hari ni kerja lab pun tak banyak. Nak goyang kaki? Jangan nak berangan. Haha.




Pastu tengah-tengah syok buat sampel sambil layan tenet, handphone berbunyi, "Kting". Mesej masuk. Tengok-tengok Dr KA mesej!!! Dr suh jumpe dia. Duh. Berdebor rase. Aku takut kena marah je. Ayark. Semalam masa aku mesej nak jumpa Dr tak reply. Wargh. Tak tahu nape tapi everytime Dr ajak meeting aku mesti berdebar. Lol. Lepas measure glycerine, aku bawak buku nota dan pekakas lain lalu menuju ke bangunan lecturer dengan penuh debaran. Mujurlah debaran itu tidaklah terlalu kencang sampai trigger any irregular bowel movement. Sebelum kaki melangkah masuk ke bilik Dr, aku baca ayat kursi. Orang kata kalau tak nak bagi orang marah, kita baca ayat kursi banyak2, kasi lembut itu hati orang. Knock, knock, aku pun masuk.






Meeting bermula.


.....................








Lega..... Mujur tak kena marah wakakakakkaka... Mujur mood dia baik. And mujur bacaan ayat kursi ade untuk menyelamatkan ku. Jampi ayat kursi menjadi. Alhamdulillah. 








Yosshaaa!!!!

Monday, August 04, 2014

Mumbo Jumbo

Hogwash, balderdash, hokum, jibber jabber; they pretty much bring the same meaning. It means something useless and nonsense. Conundrum on the other hand is synonymous to problem. Heebies jeebies is a slang for something that makes one feeling nervous and scared. Tepid means lukewarm, as in water or drinks.  Err wait, what is my point? Well I'm just saying some new things I learned from TBBT. There are even Latin words dude! Ordo cognoscendi is latin for 'order of knowing' while ipso facto is also another Latin which means 'by the fact itself'. Befuddling huh? For example, Zionism, an idea ipso facto that practices tyranny and terrorism should be abolished. We all know what Zionism is all about. Anti-semitic huh? Nope, coz lets face it, Zionism does not represent all Israel people - it is a subset of the whole lot of people, which in the current issues' sense, not much approved by the whole rest of the subsets - as much as the idea of saying thumb is finger, but not all fingers are thumb. Get the idea??? Please stop the generalization.



Come on people. Okay other examples? Not all bacteria are harmful. Don't treat all bacteria as they are dangerous creatures. Please, you won't even get to eat cheese and yoghurt if there are no bacteria. Don't be all fired up chauvinist to the whole lot of bacteria just because some Staph make your face grows some annoying pimples. There are good bacteria which humans can't live without. There are there, millions of years ago, before we do. And we do appreciate their beings, and we are cautious on its myriads of dangerous counterparts as well.




I got to learn so many things from TBBT. When I watch movies or dramas, I always seek to adopt values and good senses from them as a way of improving myself mentally. If the drama is not good enough, I'll just ditch it, just like yesterday's chutney. Hahahaha. Raj's reference here.




K that's for now. Toodles!







Lulssss Sheldon!





And FYI, ornithophobia is fear of birds. Amazing huh?

Sunday, August 03, 2014

Dalam.

Hari ni perasaan tu datang lagi. Rasa diri tak berguna. Rasa hopeless. Rasa macam nak lari dari semuanya. Ugh bilalah mimpi ini akan berakhir. Hidup ni hanyalah mimpi semata-mata; mimpi dalam mimpi. Kita semua akan bangun nanti, saat roh meninggalkan jasad. Di dunia yg abadi, hayat di dunia ini hanyalah sementara dan mimpi yang seketika cuma. Hanya menunggu masa dijemput ke alam sana.




Aku mula merasakan bahawa interest aku sedang berubah dengan ganasnya sesuai dengan pendedahan kepada faktor-faktor sekitaran. Kalau dulu, aku tak amik port langsung pasal certain benda ni tapi sekarang aku crazy pasal mende tu. Contoh yang santai, macam sekarang ni aku minat gile drama sitkom TBBT. Obses. Taksub. Angau. Kau namakan saja. Kalu dulu siap kutuk lagi masa adik aku tgok. Judgmental gile. Memang bahaya kalu kita judge sesuatu tanpa usul periksa yang lebih dalam. Nanti akan menghasilkan perception yang salah dan totally out of the line of truths. So sebelum nak nilai satu-satu perkara, kena betul-betul faham perkara tu dalam-dalam. Cuba lihat dari berbagai sudut. Barulah penilaian itu akan jadi adil. Hmm.





Masalahnya sekarang ni aku kalau da obses dengan satu-satu perkara, aku akan jadi gile. Sepanjang masa mende tu akan linger around in my mind. Skang ni asyik tgok TBBT. Memang dangerous infatuation yang mengakibatkan pembaziran karan dan juga masa. Aku skang ni hanya menunggu obsesi yang baru untuk menangkis obsesi sekarang. Macam dulu masa aku obses dengan Nodame Cantabile. Obses gile!!!! Ulang mende yang sama sampai leh ingat dialog Jepun (gile bak ang). Nak tido pun wajib pasang Nodame baru lena. Ha amik kau. Semua ceghita pun macam tu gak kekdohnya, jadi lullaby sebelum tido. Lepas dapat TBBT baru mula pudar infatuation kat Nodame. Langsung tak jenguk dah Nodame. Hahaha. So after this gonna find something else to be passionate about. Gonna start looking for new thing to trump TBBT, as much as TBBT trumps Nodame Cantabile and as Nodame Cantabile trumps Supernatural, Limits and Nobuta wo Produce (duh?)






Kan bagus kalau obsesi tu terarah kepada benda-benda berfaedah macam belajar bahasa asing ataupun hafalan Quran? (tunduk, insaf).







Aku selalu memikirkan, apa fungsi aku lahir ke dunia? Kadang-kadang, aku tanya diri aku, diri aku a.k.a. ruh aku, apa la tujuan Allah wujudkan aku ke dunia yang fana ini. Kenapalah aku lahir macam ni? Kenapalah aku begini begitu? Bukannya suka sangat mempersoal ketentuan Allah. Cuma merasa ada sekelumit fitrah dalam diri yang somehow urges to demand some definite answers to those mind-boggling question. Aku selalu hanyut dalam kekeliruan --- befuddled. Sungguh, aku langsung tidak tahu jawapan yang sebenar-benarnya. Buntu. Sehingga ke titik ini, aku buntu.







Sungguh aku merasa kacau saat mencari jawapan tentang makna kehidupan. Dan aku merasa setiap manusia akan mengalami keadaan yang sama macam yang aku rasa skang ni dalam satu-satu sela fasa kehidupan mereka. Ini lumrah --- fitrah. Semua ada perasaan curiosity yang meminta diisi pengetahuan. Kita selalu mencari makna diri. Mencari makna kehidupan yang sebenar-benarnya. Aku masih lost dalam kegilaan dunia, kepayahan bernyawa, ergo the blog title ---- Lost in Madness. Walau aku berada dalam keramaian, dengan susuk tubuh rakan-rakan di sekelilingku yang menggamatkan rasa, namun hati ini meronta-ronta minta dilepaskan daripada satu belenggu utuh. Belenggu yang tidak tahu dari mana asalnya. Belenggu yang penuh misteri. 






Hidup mesti berjuang. Ya. Aku tahu itu. Cuma terkadang hati merasa rapuh menanti luluh saat kaki terseradung akar-akar berduri di sepanjang perjalanan sepi ini. Sakit itu bagai sembilu halus menusuk ke segenap sel tubuh. Pedih hingga tak mampu kembali berdiri. Namun, kucuba menggagahkan diri. Aku boleh! Aku sang pejuang! Aku hidup mesti berjuang! Allahuakbar! Jangan pernah membiarkan jasadmu membataskan api semangatmu. Bangkitlah pemuda Islam! Bangkit berjuang jangan pernah rasa sempit. 





Aku tau aku akan mati suatu hari nanti. Namun jarang sekali aku mengingatkan diriku akan kematianku yang pasti itu. Hari-hariku penuh lalai dengan keduniaan. Aku hamba yang lemah. Jangan jadi seperti diriku ini. Aku bukan sapa-sapa, hanya hamba-Nya yang merasa sengsara dengan dunia yang tidak seberapa. 










mellow melodies

where you can reach me.

where you can reach me.

Followers