Monday, February 09, 2015


Here I am, laying down in my bed, recalling all those memories of my bleak past. Thinking back all those black stains from my old days, I feel a bit shaken. I regret upon thinking about me wasting so much time moaning and wailing in my own cloud of despair and was being drifted into a turbulence of fear until I got violently drifted away from all my works. If I had calmed down a bit and take things done step by step without feeling stressed, maybe things would have moved a little bit faster now. I think, what I learned from the incident was that I was being consumed by FEAR. 

Yes. I was so afraid. I was so afraid that I decided to take things by a storm despite the fact that doing master in research means that you are having a marathon, not a sprint. You do not need to hurry. Instead, enjoy research and take things step by step. Due to the reckless act of facing things all in once head-on, I quickly became restless. All those works seemed to be overwhelming and at some point I got too tired to go on. I then came to a halt. A major halt which threw me into a majeure force when I finally didn't even show up in the lab (until my SV became so mad at me). And the condition worsened when nobody even seemed to care about my absence. That was, truthfully, one of the major reasons why I felt so caught up in endless fear about furthering my study. The thought of not having nakama or friends really gave me that big cut at the throat. I felt breathless. I cannot imagine a world without friends who could be with me thru thick and thin. Now that I think about it, the last reason was the root cause of my very problem. I was AFRAID of being alone (athazagoraphobia). Being helplessly suffocated by all those things, I decided to seclude myself, making myself scarcer than ever. 

The trepidation was a scary dish. I was being consumed by my own fear. Fear is so dangerous. It eats your good natures and attitude, making you worthless. It stops you from moving forward. It stops you from achieving success. It dragged you down and drowns you in the sea of confusion and delusions. I am now where I am, diligently doing my parts in order to continue paying my debt to my SV for taking me in even when I was being such a bad student. He is a good guy. I am not a good girl. I take things for granted. Hurmm...

Now things are much better and I thank Allah for making me stronger. He didn't make my life easier but He sure made me stronger.

After this, remember not to fear anything in life, except ALLAH.

Smile, and you will go farther.....

p/s: If I had used time wisely and spent them nicely, I would probably be done by now. But if ifs and buts were candies and nuts we'd all have Merry Christmas..... LOLS (sheldon cooper reference)

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mellow melodies

where you can reach me.

where you can reach me.