Friday, May 29, 2015

That Stain Which Sullied My Adolescence

I think I should reflect myself on how I perceive the world as a whole. I always being thrown into the same condition of life which often results in utter isolation from other people maybe because of how I behaved.

I used to be a pariah. My life was hard.

A status I read suddenly throw me back into the shoes of 14-year-old me. It was the time when I was treated like a vermin with all those stares and glares from formidable people. Their statures often strangle me and instead of trying to help me going through everything they jump-started their judgment. There was like a hideous chunk of rubbish adhering to my faces which triggered those stares. What did I do to receive such treatment? 

It was like the worst 356 days of my life. I can still recall the sound of the murmurs, the look on their faces, the taste of the bland meal at the canteen, and the trepidation of mine when I walk away while being stared so hard by a group of people as if I was a criminal.  Oh no what is happening? 

The status I saw was about how we 90s kids used those fancy coloured books we decorated ourselves and give them to our friends for them to write their biodatas in. And there was a saying about how one would not hand over the book to you for you to fill in your personal datas would be a significant indicator that she doesn't like you. I was there when it happened. I was the one being despised and detested. Horrible.  Horrible enough that I started to remember all things I had experienced before. There was a  form 2 girl who was slightly tomboy-ish who had her book handed over to her peer who was in the same form I guess. 

I was a freshman (form 1) and I approached the peer and said how beautiful the book was. I saw so many people already jotted down their biodatas inside those coloured pages and without realising it I  was happily  offering my own biodatas to be written inside one of the pages. I brazenly did that with benevolent smile on my face without a prior consent from the owner of the book! I was so naive that I thought people treat me the same way I treat them. 

Believe me if people don't personally ask of you to do so, don't do it. It would be shameless.  It was a horrible mistake. 

I didn't realise that until some time. It was quiet a stretch before me realizing the true picture of the moment. Hmm pathetic.

I know I was a mess. I was so clumsy and a total loser. I wrapped myself deep down inside that crust shell and freed my mind from the hustle of the cruel world. I hardly made friends with anyone. Well maybe because everyone else in the dorm was older than me. Why was everyone else was bigger than me?????

I do vividly recall a senior who did a load of good to me. Her name was mizan. She came in like an illuminating light which shines my gloomy way. I was saved at last! She always cared for me and treated me like a sister. She was in Form 5 and we had  4 years of age difference. Kak mizan was so nice. She was really good. May Allah bless her in every way. She really helped me a lot. Kak mizan always advised me and told me stories. Her readiness to accept me as a friend and more importantly, a sister, really soothes the gloomy days of mine crying under the blanket and the occasional tears-shedding sessions in the toilet. Ugh my life was so miserable. I was like being chained into hell.

Alas how could I not stay in touch with her after my first year at smkatj? Maybe because after that she went to university and at that moment we don't have cell phone that we could exchange phone numbers and what not. Hmmm. Kak mizan!!!! Kak mizan kat mana skarang!!! Tell me you're still alive! !!!!

If Kak Mizan was the first mate, there was another senior who treated me good. Her name was Aina. And I still befriend her in Facebook. She got a brother who is of the same age as I am. I think I had asked kak aina regarding the whereabouts of kak mizan and if I am not mistaken I failed to extract the info from her simply because she had no idea. Hmmm I thought the fact that they were classmates could help me through. It was baffling though. I suddenly feel like knowing kak mizan's whereabouts. Where is she now? What is she doing? I'm dying to know.

But the bottom line is I survived through the horrible year at the asrama!!! Well,  not socially of course but I did very well in my year-end examination that I jumped from the 7th class to the 1st class!  Alhamdulillah. The horrendous memories of being casted away like I was a criminal really gave me a great deal of focus in my study. If Allah put me in something sure He would help me through it no matter how bad the conditions were. 



And Allah love me that He tested me with such hardship so that I always remember him. He knows I could go through it. I also think that He wants me to know the sweet nectar of success after going through myriads of hurdles - physically and mentally. And He sure knows that I was manufactured in the way that the more pressure is imposed on me, the harder I become. Its like the wrought iron. The higher the temperature and pressure  the better and stronger the iron is forged. The more there are hurdles in life, the  more persevering and resistant I become. I am just like a weed. If you stomp on me, I'll be stronger. And i would seek my way through this life. And thanks to Allah that i am able to live with that.

That's why as of now,  I really need to bounce back from being a total jerk to being a composed person. I must be positive. Although you have been constantly tortured by the same ordeal again and again you can be good. Although you experienced the same thing during first semester of master study when nobody (read NOBODY) ever bothered to ask how were you doing or how were you feeling though they could see your troubled face and appearance. Ugh... I still harbor a certain degree of rage to people who abandoned me. Well it's my nature of blaming other people for my failure I guess. How bad could that be?

Jannah. Brace yourself. You'd already experienced such dark moments of life which left a deep scar so deep and bloody that it would be very impossible to be healed in any way (unless Allah wills it) yet still managed to get out of it alive till today. Be thankful. Take it as a lesson. Make it as a tool to strive farther.

Listen!!!!! (11 times)

You can finish writing by the end of this June 2015. You are a hero. You can beat the Devils. Do not throw yourself into the hellfire. Save your soul. You can go through this. In sha Allah. In sha Allah. Belive in yourself. Don't give in to any whispers of evil. Don't give in to any lures and temptation. Don't bend in to other's criticism. Take them responsibly. Don't succumb to negative feelings. Erase them all. Let the positive vibes in.

You are lucky enough Jannah. Yes you are. Tu esta mui bonita. La mujer de el felicidad.
Sure you can beat this. Yes you can. Ingat Allah Jannah. Believe in yourself.

yes, there's always another way

#pms aka premenstrual syndrome is taking charge.
#when it comes to the time of the month I will always be deprived of serotonin that I feel so sad and mad and have all these kinds of feelings mucked up in my brain. And I will recall back those bad memories old days. Why do I have to recall all bad things!
Stop complaining please. Yamete onegai!



cardbymyan said...

printed paperbag & sticker, utk doorgift etc... jom tgk blog kami :)

Ralph Uniten said...

35 year old student(the japanese drama character)...Haibara Ai....shiba ayumi's best friend(tak ingat nama apa)

haha...those past experiences always make me like these figures towards the strangers or acquaintances especially one who always made me displeased.
Sometimes, keras hati and nelang are needed to protect ourselves---defense mechanism. Tapi dari satu sudut, mungkin mende tu bukanlah solution yang terbaik huu

Jαnnαhツ said...

Wahaa. Nelang is not my style. I lagi suka pendam sbb tu sakit dia makin parah

mellow melodies

where you can reach me.

where you can reach me.