Monday, December 07, 2015

Riwayat Rapuhnya Sekeping Hati

Tahun depan kau da 27 tahun okay. Boleh tak matang tu lebih sikit. Umur da meningkat akal tu kat takuk lama lagi. Buah fikiran tu biar bernas skit sampai boleh jana income.
Perghhh sentap.



Aku sangat emotional kelmarin. Aku rasa aku kurang matang even when I am almost 27. Aku cuba jadi matang maka dalam diri terdetik rasa untuk mengaudit diri aku dengan bertanya pada sang sahabat apa yg patutku ubah tentang diri aku agar aku menjadi super matang dan super hebat di masa akan datang.

Sang sahabat berniat baik. Dia tahu kelemahanku. Maka didedahkan satu persatu untuk aku baiki. Kelemahan paling ketara ialah aku terlalu transparent - tak tahu nak mince words apatah lagi nak cover riak muka. Kalu rasa marah ke bengang ke tak puas hati ke, muka aku akan terusss zaaappppp nampak je emosional tu hingga semua bleh notice. And kalu tak puas hati kat anything, aku akan post kat facebook atau blog like this one haha. Lols.

Tak elok katanya. Aku kene tapis sikit perasaan. Jaga sikit perkataan. Jangan main shoot sedap mulut je. Jangan tunjuk riak muka tu sangat. Nanti apa kata orang. Apa perasaan orang even when itulah sebenarnya riak  wajah dan kata2 yg sesuai dengan keadaan tu. Learn to control your face expression and your words.Tak elok kalu blatant sgt. Betul ade benarnya kata2 itu. Tapi bukan itu yg keluar dari mulut sang sahabat. Yang keluar,

"Mu ni selfish,"

Aku da sentap gile dah masa tu. -butthurt. Tapi jauh sudut hati aku tahu bukan niat dia nak kata selfish. Dia blurted out sahaja perkataan tu. Sebab selfish sebenarnya maksud dia lain - selfish ni kita utamakan diri kita berbanding orang lain. Aku da start terasa da. Aku ni selfish ke? Kalu ye teruknya aku. Jahatnya aku. Aku cuba pujuk. Mungkin dia tersilap amik word untuk describe keadaan aku. Kira perkataan tu tak sesuai dengan konteks ayat. Walaupun cara aku yang terus terang tentang apa yg aku rasa tu sehingga aku tanpa segan silu tunjuk reaksi muka dan kata2 itu membuatkan dia terfikir aku selfish sbb fikir perasaan aku je. Perasaan org macam mana. Mungkin itulah missing link dia.

And having realized that I was taken aback on her remark, she suddenly feeling guilty,

"Ala, silap perkataan la. Aku bukan  nak sebut selfish. Alamak, sorry2. Aku tarik balik,"

Dia pandang aku. Aku da bergenang air mata. And I was trying so harddddd to hold the tears that i was halfway choking in my own tears. Tetibe terigat video baby menangis dengar lagu mak.dia nyanyi. Adohhh.

"Wey jangan nangis."

She said to me. I was like whattttt reverse psychology - the more you forbid me the more I'll do it. Arghhhh. I couldn't hold it in no more: I abruptly burst into tears. I saw the expression that she was about to say another word but to avoid that torrents of waterfalls I put my index finger across my lips, signaling her to stop talking to let me pass the wind of sadness. But then again I couldn't seem to help the cry, the tears flowed so fast. It was dripping like crazy. I told myself, Jannah stop crying stop crying! People are looking dammit!!!

I smeared the tears and removed my sullied glasses. I asked from my friend for a tissue paper. I said sorry for crying and that I couldn't stop crying. Usually it'll take more than one meager word to crack me up. What the hell was happening? My mind told my heart to stop but my heart was so stubborn it just went against my will to stop crying.

I thought maybe it was a PMS. The hormonal discharge into my bloodstream had triggered tonnes of emotional effects. Maybe I was being strong for a long time that I just need that one simple word to push me off the cliff I have been clinging onto.

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mellow melodies

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