Friday, May 29, 2015

That Stain Which Sullied My Adolescence







I think I should reflect myself on how I perceive the world as a whole. I always being thrown into the same condition of life which often results in utter isolation from other people maybe because of how I behaved.


I used to be a pariah. My life was hard.


A status I read suddenly throw me back into the shoes of 14-year-old me. It was the time when I was treated like a vermin with all those stares and glares from formidable people. Their statures often strangle me and instead of trying to help me going through everything they jump-started their judgment. There was like a hideous chunk of rubbish adhering to my faces which triggered those stares. What did I do to receive such treatment? 







It was like the worst 356 days of my life. I can still recall the sound of the murmurs, the look on their faces, the taste of the bland meal at the canteen, and the trepidation of mine when I walk away while being stared so hard by a group of people as if I was a criminal.  Oh no what is happening? 


The status I saw was about how we 90s kids used those fancy coloured books we decorated ourselves and give them to our friends for them to write their biodatas in. And there was a saying about how one would not hand over the book to you for you to fill in your personal datas would be a significant indicator that she doesn't like you. I was there when it happened. I was the one being despised and detested. Horrible.  Horrible enough that I started to remember all things I had experienced before. There was a  form 2 girl who was slightly tomboy-ish who had her book handed over to her peer who was in the same form I guess. 





I was a freshman (form 1) and I approached the peer and said how beautiful the book was. I saw so many people already jotted down their biodatas inside those coloured pages and without realising it I  was happily  offering my own biodatas to be written inside one of the pages. I brazenly did that with benevolent smile on my face without a prior consent from the owner of the book! I was so naive that I thought people treat me the same way I treat them. 


Believe me if people don't personally ask of you to do so, don't do it. It would be shameless.  It was a horrible mistake. 



I didn't realise that until some time. It was quiet a stretch before me realizing the true picture of the moment. Hmm pathetic.



I know I was a mess. I was so clumsy and a total loser. I wrapped myself deep down inside that crust shell and freed my mind from the hustle of the cruel world. I hardly made friends with anyone. Well maybe because everyone else in the dorm was older than me. Why was everyone else was bigger than me?????


I do vividly recall a senior who did a load of good to me. Her name was mizan. She came in like an illuminating light which shines my gloomy way. I was saved at last! She always cared for me and treated me like a sister. She was in Form 5 and we had  4 years of age difference. Kak mizan was so nice. She was really good. May Allah bless her in every way. She really helped me a lot. Kak mizan always advised me and told me stories. Her readiness to accept me as a friend and more importantly, a sister, really soothes the gloomy days of mine crying under the blanket and the occasional tears-shedding sessions in the toilet. Ugh my life was so miserable. I was like being chained into hell.




Alas how could I not stay in touch with her after my first year at smkatj? Maybe because after that she went to university and at that moment we don't have cell phone that we could exchange phone numbers and what not. Hmmm. Kak mizan!!!! Kak mizan kat mana skarang!!! Tell me you're still alive! !!!!









If Kak Mizan was the first mate, there was another senior who treated me good. Her name was Aina. And I still befriend her in Facebook. She got a brother who is of the same age as I am. I think I had asked kak aina regarding the whereabouts of kak mizan and if I am not mistaken I failed to extract the info from her simply because she had no idea. Hmmm I thought the fact that they were classmates could help me through. It was baffling though. I suddenly feel like knowing kak mizan's whereabouts. Where is she now? What is she doing? I'm dying to know.


But the bottom line is I survived through the horrible year at the asrama!!! Well,  not socially of course but I did very well in my year-end examination that I jumped from the 7th class to the 1st class!  Alhamdulillah. The horrendous memories of being casted away like I was a criminal really gave me a great deal of focus in my study. If Allah put me in something sure He would help me through it no matter how bad the conditions were. 




                                     

                                                                                    Sobss......



And Allah love me that He tested me with such hardship so that I always remember him. He knows I could go through it. I also think that He wants me to know the sweet nectar of success after going through myriads of hurdles - physically and mentally. And He sure knows that I was manufactured in the way that the more pressure is imposed on me, the harder I become. Its like the wrought iron. The higher the temperature and pressure  the better and stronger the iron is forged. The more there are hurdles in life, the  more persevering and resistant I become. I am just like a weed. If you stomp on me, I'll be stronger. And i would seek my way through this life. And thanks to Allah that i am able to live with that.



That's why as of now,  I really need to bounce back from being a total jerk to being a composed person. I must be positive. Although you have been constantly tortured by the same ordeal again and again you can be good. Although you experienced the same thing during first semester of master study when nobody (read NOBODY) ever bothered to ask how were you doing or how were you feeling though they could see your troubled face and appearance. Ugh... I still harbor a certain degree of rage to people who abandoned me. Well it's my nature of blaming other people for my failure I guess. How bad could that be?



Jannah. Brace yourself. You'd already experienced such dark moments of life which left a deep scar so deep and bloody that it would be very impossible to be healed in any way (unless Allah wills it) yet still managed to get out of it alive till today. Be thankful. Take it as a lesson. Make it as a tool to strive farther.


Listen!!!!! (11 times)


You can finish writing by the end of this June 2015. You are a hero. You can beat the Devils. Do not throw yourself into the hellfire. Save your soul. You can go through this. In sha Allah. In sha Allah. Belive in yourself. Don't give in to any whispers of evil. Don't give in to any lures and temptation. Don't bend in to other's criticism. Take them responsibly. Don't succumb to negative feelings. Erase them all. Let the positive vibes in.


You are lucky enough Jannah. Yes you are. Tu esta mui bonita. La mujer de el felicidad.
Sure you can beat this. Yes you can. Ingat Allah Jannah. Believe in yourself.




yes, there's always another way





#pms aka premenstrual syndrome is taking charge.
#when it comes to the time of the month I will always be deprived of serotonin that I feel so sad and mad and have all these kinds of feelings mucked up in my brain. And I will recall back those bad memories from.my old days. Why do I have to recall all bad things!
Stop complaining please. Yamete onegai!










smile.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Hurdle

When you finally halt at a point of your life lane and you find that you don't really see the end of the road, you stumbled and start questioning your rugged conscience.  You will wonder why you take a stroll down the road and whether the journey worth the pain.  You seek to be certain on things but alas you do not know what tomorrow holds for you. You just go with the flow hoping there'll be some miracles illuminating your way.

Friday, May 22, 2015

Cause we are crazy siblings

Sometimes other people cannot fathom nor tolerate our idiosyncrasies. Our awkward demeanour may be apparent to our family, especially our siblings. If we show our crazy sides to other people who barely know us, they'll think that we are just being crazy. Like literally crazy.
just like other people I also have siblings. And I betcha 100 thousands dollars that I have the strangest siblings.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Wake up!



There are times when I feel so distant from my research. It feels like the research is eluding me. It feels like the research strays away too far from me that I find it hard to grab it back. Or.... maybe it was me trying to escape the things I am doing. I feel lost. Especially right now.


Maybe it stems from the fact that I currently halted from my lab work to focus on the preparation for Inovasi@UMT last week therefore I set my alarm off and get off from the rail for some time.  And whenever I got  back onto the wagon I get this awkward feeling--- feels like being unwelcome into your own house. Feels like a total recluse and pariah. Feels like being unwanted, drifted away. Oh Allah how should I overcome this feeling?


And to make matters worse, I got sick on Sunday hence the MC. On Monday I was feeling okay and went to lab. On Tuesday I came in in the afternoon after going to the town to settle my sister's new ID. Then I went to 'pasar malam' to buy foods. I ate so many food! And I know as a result of being such a glutton,  I felt sick during the night. The combination of kebab daging, nasi air, keropok, ayam goreng and putu piring (are you a monster?) finally caused major turbulence inside my tummy. Yeah I know I have sensitive stomach but when I got hungry I'll eat like there is no tomorrow and till my stomach bulges. Ugh.

As a consequence,  I got headache and runny nose. Maybe some food was contaminated that I suddenly become sick in the night. What baffled me was my other siblings didn't experience such mishaps like I did. I began to think how unlucky I got after devouring the whole lot of food galore from pasar malam. Duh sendiri mau ingat lah.


Wednesday and Thursday I skipped lab coz I woke up to  bad mornings with straining back pain and heating head. Huhu. So I don't get to finish my works that I should complete this week.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Autopsy



"Kenapa you buat material dual layer nie? Apa yang special pasal produk you nie Jannah?"



"Macam mana nak apply ubat nie?"



"Kalau orang luka kat tangan, boleh bersukan tak masa pakai produk you nie?"



"Kalau orang yang sakit tu guna produk you and nak semayang, boleh tak ubat luka nie kena air?"



"Produk ni boleh melekat ke dekat tangan?"



"Dual layer nie tahan lama mana kalu simpan? Kalau macam student saya yang buat lebih kurang macam you punya produk 2-3 hari letak atas bench da kulat,"



"Kenapa you guna ibuprofen? Kalau macam saya ni allergic kat ubat ibuprofen boleh ke nak pakai?"



"Kenapa kena letak drug? Kalau gellan gum dan chitosan tu saja tanpa tambah apa2 jenis ubat boleh tak?"



"Kenapa bukan chitosan yang sembuhkan luka? Kenapa gellan gum? Tak pernah dengar pun gellan gum nie."



"Chitosan you guna dari scratch ke? You buat sendiri ke raw material?"




"Kenapa you pilih bakteria nie? Apa kriteria pemilihan you?"




"Dah komersialkan ke?" (sambil belek-belek kotak produk)




"Pernah test dekat tikus ke? Pernah mintak kawan-kawan cuba pakai tak?"




Assalamualaikum.




Ehem.




Itulah antara soalan yang dilemparkan kepadaku semasa Minggu Inovasi@UMT baru-baru ini. Menarik bukan? Hm. Memang tak dinafikan menarik betul soalan-soalan yang diajukan itu namun aku lah yang berpeluh-peluh sambil terkial-kial menjawab soalan itu!  Tak lupa juga aku jualah yang terkulat-kulat macam ulat bulu hahahahaha (gelak mintak penampar).





Despite the storming questions I got at the event, it was invigorating to be having fresh insights into the research given by those keen and interested visitors who came by my lovely booth. I was a bit nervous and all but at the end, I managed to answer the questions appropriately. It was more like a discussion I guess. Having all those people interested with whatever we do makes us feel appreciated. Though I can't say my research has that humongous chunk of impact on the society, but it's good to have the chance to share new knowledge to people out there about the advancement of the field I am currently in. Sharing is caring aight? Because we care that we share.





Masa mula-mula kena judge, aku rasa tenang je. Mungkin sebab that professor was emanating some kind of positive vibes which make me inexplicably calm. His name is Prof Dr Wan Mohd Norsani Wan Nik. Mula-mula dia datang, dia tanya apa produk yang aku buat nie and he seemed intrigued. I was then explaining to him regarding my project. He was listening with so much interest. He had this dad-like figure and was so mature in terms of his verbal projection. After I articulated all my subtle points, he mumbled to himself, saying some indistinct rhetorical question of whether he could have evaluated me at that moment or not. I shrugged in confusion and after some awkward moments he left, saying that he would return soon after confirming. I just nodded. After a talk by Mr Law from Revongen that morning, I returned to my booth to see him and a woman standing by my desk looking on my display items. I then hurried to my booth. He then asked me to explain using the video montage I had prepared before. When I came to explaining why did I use ibuprofen for pain-reducing effect, he said something I found a bit flattering yet amusing.





"We used ibuprofen in this topical formulation because we want to reduce the pain at the wound bed. The external use of the drug can reduce the bad consequences of the drug taken orally (such as ulcer) to our gastrointestinal linings," while rubbing my stomach.


"Eh macam doktor cara awak cakap nie,"



I was like, WHAT?? Flattered and blushing at the same time HAHAHAHA.




Malu lah jugak and I hastily wiped out those narcissistic feelings with a smile. Heee~~~~




Judge kedua Dr Zul. Hihi. Klakar Dr Zul. 






'




Dr Zul ni bidang kosmetik. Kepakarannya, buat losyen. 




Banyak jugaklah soalan yang Dr Zul ajukan. Dan aku agak menggigil lah jugak nak jawab. Hehe. Dr Zul jenis yang suka menduga. 



"Betul ke Jannah?" with that smirking face of him strangling the ambivalent me. But his smug was not that all intimidating. It was more like a friendly gesture. Haha.



Hehe. Klaka Dr Zul. Doubtful and playful orangnya. 





All in all, what I learn is that you need to learn the way to overcome the shortcomings of your works. No worries coz there are plenty rooms of improvement. And no matter how much you wish you can flaunt your idea or invention, you also need to acknowledge every single flaw you perceive in the process. This is vital route of improvement - to acknowledge whatever loopholes you find for your research to thrive better in the future. There is no need to mask all those negative results just to be perceived as the best by those people. Because everyone is bound to making mistakes once in a while. It wouldn't hurt to bend to this very nature of human being. Because we are not perfect. And that's how a world of research is built. It runs on the veins of the shortcomings and blunders our ancestors and predecessors committed before and we are here to straighten things back. 






Being a part of this thing was none of even my wishful thinking. But after being shoved in by my supervisor, I finally gave in to participating this event that broadcasts students' impending inventions. It's so true when people say ''you may not like it but it is actually good for you'' and most probably the saying comes from Allah's commands in Quran. 





P/s: never be afraid to learn.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

GOLD, PLATINUM OR TITANIUM?

At last the event ended. I was relieved.











macam lecturer anak 5 dah rupa aku







join inovasi menang hadiah GOLD, tapi gold medal takde!!! haahahhahahahha!!!!

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

INOVASI@UMT DAY#2


Tuan Puteri Gunung Nam Sam Tower Korea meninggalkan singgahsana baginda di Pulau Jeju dibayangi awan nano mencemar duli melawat tapak pameran (LOL)





Alahaiii, double chin. Main jauh skit. 











Meriah dok meja booth 15?


Tuesday, May 12, 2015

INOVASI@UMT DAY#1

Salam.


Hari nie dah ada sorang judge datang assess. Sorang lagi lecturer drop by and said I could (if I ever want) to work at UKM-based pharmaceutical lab which deals with development of synthetic skin for burns and wounds with brand name of Kulitku. It was not a terrible suggestion. And he pointed out that it would require millions of fund to carry out pre-clinical and clinical tests for the product we developed. But he said it is gonna be tough if the research is to be pushed forward for commercialization or patents/intellectual property. Where to find the funding? Duit Tabung Haji?? *facepalm*





do i look a wee bit pale here?



Thursday, May 07, 2015

BIG BALD AND BOLD

All for RM100! Can you believe this??





It is so exciting! Having such a large book fair here in Gong Badak is something so cool and awesome. Hahaha. Really felt refreshed upon seeing so many books. Ingat mula2 nak usha je first day Big Bad Wolf kat UNISZA tapi sampai je mata terus melilau cari buku. Sebab banyak sangat buku yang menarik yuols! Waw, sangat refreshing. Lepas ni kena spend masa baca buku nie... Jangan jadi tsundoku lak. Beli buku banyak-banyak pastu berhabuk atah rak. Kuang kuang kuang. Tamo tamo tamo *nada Messi Faradyable*








Err, ni trivial subject: BAGS! Berkenan ngan beg Kak Mira pakai, terus suh dia tlg belikan hahahhahaa....Couldn't be more materialistic than this huh?

mellow melodies

where you can reach me.

where you can reach me.

Followers