Saturday, November 26, 2016

Stigma of the Persona non Grata

The memory of the bloody thing,
That robbed me of my pure childhood,
Kept lingering in my head,
The horrendous images of the scenes,
Got replayed with no delay,
Prompting some weird feeling,
Triggered from within.

The horrific sight,
Was not supposed to happen,
Was not supposed to imprint,
In my naive mind,
But after a set of events,
Which was triggered like Dominos,
It happened, and trapped me in endless remorse,
For what moulded my life till this point,
And eventually get my life hanging loose by a thread.

I was confused
Deluded
Self-persecuted
Is this not wrong?
Is this not self-violation?
Is this not corruption?

I tried to reach out for help,
But it seemed i failed to scream,
As if something held me back,
With all its might,
Thwarting me from spilling the beans.

The worst was yet to happen,
I was left in dilemma,
I thought it was okay and sane,
To stay and pretend it was not a stigma,
In fact i was infiltrated with the dogma,
Of the sweetness to delve in worldly lures, pleasures and aroma.

I took turn and looked inside a mirror,
But i see nothing but a persona non grata -
twitching in terror,
Wrapped in the hegemony of hedonism.
Which trapped me in the cruel prison.

I was being engulfed into holes of hell.
While thinking that all is well.
Ignorance is bliss,
But at the end it's just a bitch.

The pain of remorse impaled me,
Pinned me in the darkest times,
Turned me into mangled piece millions of times,
I lost count,
I lost count how much inhuman I become.

The regret is too much,
But the lure is too sweet to let go,
That I ended up dwelling in the same pain,
Again and again.
Till I finally wrapped in shame,
And started blaming myself and my childhood,
And my perpetrator,

Starting to make me blurted the biggest question of all time - WHY ME?
And that's when I realized, it's not you who I can't forgive - it's ME.
I'm just tired

Why does the cruel cycle has to repeat?



Written by JennieFreesia






Song of Solitude

 Song of Solitude 

Here i am all alone by myself
Nobody to talk to,
Nor to share my problems with,
I try to reach out for you -
Trying to ask for something,
But you're not here to give me
the helping hand,

I stare into the blank wall,
As blank as my meager presence,
As blank as my soul who is left alone,
In the darkness I quietly listen,
To the resounding sound of silence,

I can hear silence knocking inside my head,
It appears that silence has its own voice,
It creeps inside you and makes you feel lonely,
I then tried to listen to the wind instead,
What it has to offer,

The wind gushes the wind blows,
But all I hear was the sound of birds that follows,
I woke up trying to do something everyday,
I'm stuck in the pain of waiting,

Waiting in Nothingness, Loneliness -
The suffering of those two,
Strangled me and chained me to
the deepest core,
Somehow i just had to live coz I can't die.

Above all,
The most important thing is,
The realization of my lost self -
which I'd give everything to get back,

I used to live for myself,
I used to love myself and for myself,
But i hate myself now,
The prize i had to pay for shutting the very door
From which my real self can shine.

No matter you try to evade and elude the truth,
It kept coming to hit you like a wrecking ball,
It backfired,
And burn you to the ground.....


Written by: JennieFreesia 




Appa in the wild.


Morning therapy with Appa the funky cat. She is such a submissive and docile black cat. Nice white collar Appa! Hehe~~




aik, makan rumput plok? diet ke Appa? 





kakno, cepat amik gambo. Appa gelepor nak ngukah dalam semok. 





hi nama Appa. what a misnomer, saya betinalah kak. 



hoh, gapo diyo tu dalam semok?




huh?



tengok muke terkejut dia. napok mende dok au. hahahahah klakorrr~



hah, burung!












klah Appa. Jom balik makan ayam crispy.



when superman goes to supermoon~


"A lot of us appreciate the destination but only some who'd be willing to savour the fiery taste of struggles throughout the tribulations in the journey prior to reaching the finishing line"
ergo, happiness is the journey, not destination. i finally came to understand those phrase that very day."

...............................................................


Jubah day - 191116

Just some casual photos of us fiddling around in those over-sized robes.







officially graduated! kudos all.






nice weather. alhamdulillah. photos came out stunning!


some selfi-neries






selfie dalam dewan.

ambik skrol dari sultanah tu. pheweeet~~ bukan senang. sekali seumur hidup kot. 




















terima kasih nurul hazwani yg pegang wedges hakak di hari kejadian. haha. pakai sandal naik pentas memang x boleh la diknon. terpaksalah sarung kasut itam akak urusetia bagi. haha. aku boleh tahan lagi pakai sandal berstokin siap, ade budak sorang tu siap pakai selipar jamban pe cite haha


konvo ngan fellow army. haha all hail bangtan. lols~







tanpa ma aboh, siapalah aku. mana mungkin sejauh ni aku melangkah.





ni adik ambe bukan tunang. hahahaha klakar la geng group wasap my mom ingat ni tunang ai nak terbelahak hijau jadinya.



Second day photoshoot (with Dr KA and seaside scenery)


hari kedua konvo pun panas. tengok la awan berkepul2. cantik sangat.




jom terjahh bilik Dr!!!! gambar ni masa kat depan Bilik Mesyuarat Al-Biruni, bilik viva tu. kecut perut weyyyy lalu sini. hahahaha. the power of viva giving you endless butterfly vibes in stomach (even after having done it pheww)


Dr, jom selpie skit haha~










our beloved Dr Khairul Anuar.





yeah thumbs upbesar anak murid dari cikgu. maaf la Dr, saya terlebih kalsium :P





okay soaring upwards. weeee~~~




yok kita shooting tepi pantai plok, yok



"Just for one day, I'm in the mood for love. We are young forever to savor the most beautiful moment in life as we spread our wings and fly high to the sky. After shedding tonnes of blood sweat and tears, we will keep on living on the fire of passion and never let go of chances and opportunities ahead. Save me when I'm too weak to walk, show me your hand when I need you, coz we are living in the endless cypher of life. We are spine breakers and even bent our backs but we are strong and sturdy. The destiny is indeed full of danger, but we will always run to realize our dream. We are bulletproof and shall walk hand in hand no matter what diversity that may come our way. Say no to oppression, say no to persecution. Life is dope. Lets live our life our way. Who are them to compare?"



(footnote: ARMYs will relate to this passage very strongly hahhaa~)











tahniah wawagojes



calm pose by miss wani


absurd/whimsical/havoc caca marba pose dari miss giant (caption: angin bawaku terbang~)


err kak janah behave skit boleh tak? macam saya ni ha~








waw kak syikin. tahniah kak syikin~




pliss la gaya tu melentik semacam hahahah!




weee~~ muka esaited bleh amik gambar kat INOS








hiyarghhh kami da konvo!! lepas ni semak kepala pikir nak buat apa plak hahahah~~ *nangis bucu katil*



okay dah dah. skang gi shooting studio plok. ngih2.



mencengkam kalbu betul pemandangan dekat Chalet Anees ni. Terus je tangan laju snap2 photo. Sumpah drooling tengok view kat sini. ma sha Allah!




a day without you is a year without rain. ewahhh~
















uri chingus


sementara tunggu turn untuk studio photo Wani






hadiah dari my mom, wani dan bell. muchas gracias~





be free from worldly expectation.
be free from all this fictitious visualization.
be not what people want you to be.
be not afraid when you want to say
“i want to be me.”
define your own happiness,
choose to be happy.
on your term.
for illahi.












Listen to my heart beat. It's calling you at its own Will (BTS : Save Me). 😘



okay dah hujan ni. nak tido bye selamat malam dearies..... 













mellow melodies

where you can reach me.

where you can reach me.

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