Monday, August 21, 2017

can i?

i wanna talk with you about something. 

what?

i want you to be my special someone. 

??? (shocked)

what? why? 


coz i see you as a potential partner.


*thinking*


let me get this straight. we have been friends all this while and now you wanna push it to the next level? 


yep.


*pensive*


i am kind of unstable right now. if you want me to be your gf or whatever fancy name they call it nowadays, that's okay we can give it a shot, but you need to know first thing about me is that, i am such a mess. 


so what?


so you need to bear in mind that i can be mentally disturbed at times. 


(lols)


so are you willing to take the risk?



why not? i got nothing to lose. 



_end_

Sunday, August 06, 2017

you never walk alone

nothing is truer than that. 


often i think i was all alone in living in this world. alone here means that i was the only one being tested, in a particular personal way. in fact, upon meeting a lot of people and trading stories with them, i realized how similar we truly are. that's why when you feel down or upset, find someone to talk about it. its okay to expose your vulnerability to those who care. this is one of the ways to bounce back to your natural self and to  help you move on. 


it was such a big epiphany when i figured that most of my friends are experiencing the same thing as mine. you don't realize how many people around you with whom you share the same common grounds. just go out of your isolation, meet people, ask their stories, and you will be bewildered. 


all in all, you truly never walk alone.


Saturday, July 15, 2017

mekap

sekarang ni tiba2 je rasa nak jaga rupa penampilan wajah. kalau dulu, biaq pi la. dulu xde duet. skang dah ada duet bolehlah beli. rezeki. semua perempuan cantik sebenarnye. hanya org tertentu je dapat menyedari dan menghargai cantik seseorang itu dekat mana.





























rutin harian - basuh muka, toner, serum, krim siang, sunblock, bb cream, bedak, lipstick. banyak kan kerenah jadi perempuan? *sigh*

Friday, June 09, 2017

simjang

gaseumi


mameul


heart


hati


hati-hati dalam menjaga hati orang, takut tergadai diri sendiri nanti.


hati ni milik siapa? Allah.


hati ni mudah berbolak balik. Mintaklah supaya Allah jaga. Isu hati ni isu bahaya.


Aku sedih da lama tak menulis blog. Entah apa yg meragut minat aku yang satu ni. Menulis ni da macam sebati dengan diri aku. Biarlah penulisan aku ni self-centered pon, aku tetap boleh bertahan menulis. Huhu. Sebab aku suke (lucky for you, that's what I like, that's what I like). So it's definitely wrong when I stop doing what I like. So here I am trying to keep up with what I like. wahaha.


Kenapa mesti gembira berdasarkan layanan org kat kite? Tak boleh ke kita jadi gembira sebab diri kita sendiri. Why need others' approval and/ or acknowledgment? Tak paham rase. Granted it is indeed normal to feel good when we get compliments and being appreciated. But why can't we feel content when we are being insulted or complained or compared. Why let what people do or say affect us entirely that we change into someone else. Why must be like that?


I am trying to be someone who is happy because of me and not being shaped by what people treated or said to me. I must strive to be that.







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ni lak gizzard korean style perghhhh. sedapnye pedal!!! aku suke gile pedal ayam!!

Thursday, April 27, 2017

honesty

i figured that you cannot be honest with everyone. sometimes, that honesty can turn to naivety, in which people can use it against you and for their own advantage. never spill the beans to everyone, some may be hostile towards you. you don't know who will be holding grudges against you. you must stay put and quiet, do things you plan. never tell others unless you have worked them out. stand on your own feet. be proud of your own feat. fret not, believe in what you wanna do. be happy to be you.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

korean food craze

terbayang-bayang enaknya sotong masak pedas kat Busan Jib hari tu masa pegi Korea. sedapnya ya Allah. kecur saliva haha. hari ni rajen skit so i pulled out a recipe off the web to cook this dish for lunch. it was simply delicious!



Korean Recipe : Spicy Fried Squid

Bahan - bahan :

6 ekor sotong ( dibersihkan dan dipotong )
1 biji bawang besar ( potong gegelang )
4 ulas bawang putih ( ditumbuk )
1 biji cili hijau ( potong memanjang )
1 batang daun bawang ( potong kasar )
1 biji tomato muda ( dibelah )
Bahan Sos :
2 sb cili paste
1 sb serbuk cili
2 sb sos soya
1 sb gula
2 sk minyak bijan
1/2 sk bijan
1/2 sk serbuk lada hitam
Cara - cara :
1. Campurkan semua bahan termasuk bahan sos dalam 1 mangkuk.gaul rata. perap 30min.



2. Selepas 30min, panaskan pan, masukkan semua adunan tadi. masak hingga kuah pekat. siap..




siap!!!


Saturday, April 15, 2017

Personality Test

you have been affected by negative emotions and are eager to resolve something which has been bugging you for a long time. you need to calm down and relax.

wow it reads me like a book!


My Result:

You have a uniquely creative personality!

The main things in life for you are your intuition, wisdom, joy, satisfaction and curiosity. The world for you is full of mystery, and is made up of so many different things, situations and people which are all constantly stimulating your imagination. Your life is painted in a multitude of beautiful colours, and you're always looking at it through the prism of creativity. You can turn anything that happens to you into something positive, and you never look for simple answers to life's questions.

You live your life in constant anticipation of experiencing something new and wonderful. However, at the moment you feel a lot of aggression inside. It's possible that recently you've been experiencing a lot of negative emotions and have the desire to finally resolve something that's been bugging you for a long time. You need to calm down and relax. The time has come to do something new. You have the ability to draw a huge amount of strength from yourself, whilst at the same time remaining a tender and loving person


ref: http://ideaspots.com/personality-test-image-see-first-reveals/

Friday, April 14, 2017

Tanda Pada Tubuh

Image result for dopamine tattoo


semalam layan Conan. walau cerita kanak2, aku dapat belajar banyak dari cite conan. seriously. lagi banyak daripada drama malay yg haprak tu. maaf cakaplah.



ada satu kes, sorang pakar bedah masuk ofis detective mouri. lepas tu conan nampak tangan doktor tu ada kesan torehan, macam org dalam bilik bedah biasa pegang benang suture tu masa nak jahit luka bedah. sebab tu conan boleh teka orang tu kerja sebagai pakar bedah sebelum org tu declare dia kerja sebagai apa. conan memang hebat. peka je dengan sekecik2 mende. haha. tapi hebat lagi tuhan yg cipta kita.



bottomline aku kat sini, dalam hidup ni, apa2 yg kita buat, akan tinggal kesan pada tubuh kita. 



macam kes tadi, mark benang tu membuktikan pekerjaan dia sebagai seorang pakar bedah. maka, sekecil-kecil benda akan tinggalkan tanda pada tubuh kita, sama ada besar atau kecil, sama ada kita sedar atau tak.




wa man yakmal miskola zarrotin khoiran yaroh. wa man yakmal miskola zarrotin syarron yaroh. 



tu baru cakap pasal benang, dan kesannya hanya pada fizikal. menda-menda lain yang lebih besar, seperti apa yang kita rasa, kita sebut, kita buat, akan juga beri kesan pada rohani kita. yang ni kita tak boleh nampak, kita just bleh rasa kesannya. macam tu lah dengan amalan kita atas dunia ni. kalau banyak amal baik, kesan baik la yang akan banyak badan kita simpan atau encoded. dan begitulah sebaliknya. cuma mende tu encrypted, ALLAH je tahu kat mana data tu seme disimpan. kita kan org Islam, percaya malaikat hari2 duk tulis dosa pahala kiri kanan bahu ni. "that angel on your shoulder" - phrase ni banyak disebut dalam cerita2 mat salleh, Supernatural contohnya. ajaran semua agama percaya, buat mende baik dapat balasan baik. kan?



apa kita kata, kita sebut, kita dengar, akan beri kesan kepada kita melalui getaran atau wavelength bunyi. macam dengar ayat quran, mende baik, dengar dapat pahala. dengar lagu BTS?! ahahahha. wallahuallam. tu semua lagho okay? aku admit, aku memang tahu lagho, tapi aku sangat suka BTS. apa2 la KPOP ke MPOP ke JPOP seme tu lalai lah. tapi gtulah bak kata kawan aku, kita manusia, fitrah mau berhibur. berhibur tak mengapa, asal tak halang kita dari ibadah, dan pilihlah hiburan yg baik. :)




sampai di sini luahan aku. 



menulis itu terapi.


sekian.


(image - dopamine tattoo)


Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Period of Happy Days (PhD)

Image result for depressed


How many times have I asked myself: Why? Why  am I doing a PhD? Why have I embarked on this journey of constant challenges? Why have I allowed MS Word and printed papers to become such a big part of my life? Why?

I am sure I am not the only doctoral researcher who asked this question at some stage during the PhD. And this is normal…in fact this is great! We should ask this question more often to try to gain better understanding of what we do and the world we live in…

I was thinking a lot about the answer to this questions. And my answer to this question is simpler than I thought. I do it….to be happy!!! Do you remember that feeling of happiness when you learnt that you were accepted for a PhD programme? How happy did you feel when you shared your experiences with other PhD students? Or when your first conference paper was accepted?.. I felt happy yesterday when I was presenting some of the results of my research at an ESCalate seminar. Yes, I felt happy and grateful that I could just share my experience, my vision, the results of my work with others. I felt grateful that there were PhD supervisors in the audience who listened to my perceptions as a PhD student. And you never know, it might have influenced their vision of a supervision process…at least a bit. And it means it might potentially change the life of other PhD students who are working with these supervisors. Yes…bigger picture…there is always a bigger picture behind your small limited piece of research…you just need to learn to see it. So why are we avoiding happiness? It’s time to take all opportunities and make decisions, to do our best and give the best to the world, time to be happy…

I’ve recently been through a PhD/existential crisis myself, time when you question everything and feel lost…And this was the time when one wise person told me: You are where you are for a reason! You are given an opportunity! Benefit from it!

If you feel depressed, trapped and there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. Remember, we are where we are for a reason! We are here to challenge ourselves, to change ourselves and the world, to learn, to share and care through our research…

Let’s be grateful for this, for this life changing opportunity!


Posted on June 17, 2011 by elenaphd

taken from: https://elenaphd.wordpress.com/

This happened exactly to me, in fact it is still happening. That turbulence in me is no joke. It's like a tsunami of mixed feelings. I also stumbled a wise person in my life throughout this painful journey of soul-crushing hurdle. That particular wise person in my life is Erma Fatiha. Thanks Erma. That article above really reflected  my feeling now. In fact my bestie Dzilal Amir also encouraged me. Not to mention my mom and dad and my sister. But now I am having trouble in my heart, the heart and the brain are not synchronized. ottoke? i am meshed inside. so broken so damaged. what is there for me to do?

Selalu terjaga dalam pukul 4-5. Macam Allah nak suh aku bangun berdoa and./or tahajjud. Dia tahu how restless I am right now. Hopeless, restless, overwhelmed. I am having the biggest internal battle of my life -- ALONE.



Image result for depressed illustration

Image result for depressed illustration

Image result for depressed illustration

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every night

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ugh!


Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Life is another name for IRONY


Life might seem simple,
when it's actually not,
So many things you stumble,
happen for reasons not for naught.

Of all people you encounter,
not all will become your banter,
some will become enemies,
some eventually become families.
with whom you share the sorrow,
and all the cries that follow.

Sometimes you gotta ask,
Why me why this?
Everyone has a past,
but you chose dwell 
not peace.

Foul memories make you scowl,
Robbing you off your sanity,
They are like predators in a prowl,
haunting you for eternity.


Revenge is smoldering inside,
Killing you under your skin,
Smothered in smokes you are trapped,
Lost in grudges and guilt.


Take a step to forgive,
and another to forget,
Live a life to receive,
Give and take -
a nice way to live.


Fear is a bitch,
it keeps you from being you,
It is something you need to ditch,
coz it's a glitch that will defeat you.


A flicker of light,
A twitch of gaze,
A drop of tears,
A glimpse of shadow,
hidden - eluded,
persecuted,
deluded.


It feels funny,
to see all the irony,
God knows how and why,
and I shall go ask Him when I die.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Groggy

I don't know why but every time I see a baby or a little kid, my heart flutters and there will be cute lullabies of music box songs playing in the air. Babies are so cute and innocent. I find them absolutely adorable. I am a very strong woman who always use too much force whenever I do things so whenever I saw a baby I felt the urge to cradle it, stroke it in my arms but the thought of my excessive energy had me suppressed the feeling. It is ironic. Loving babies but had to withhold the strong feeling to hold them. It is hard.

It's okay. I guess I could have mustered the courage to hold my own babies some day when the time comes. Maybe soon.

Sunday, March 19, 2017

The heart which goes travelling

It is kind of funny, my life now is.

I've been going back and forth to get all my matters done. Now I am on my way to my alma mater to complete yet another task. It's kind of good, being able to go on multiple trips like this. Just last week I went to Penang with my mom and thank goodness everything went smooth. I don't know why I am writing this. Maybe because I had not been writing for so long now it itches to rant on something.

People are so diverse. We come from many different backgrounds and history but we are all humans. And as long as we are human, we are always on the unending journey of life. Today we are here, tomorrow who knows where and whom we are gonna be with. LIFE is such a mystery. We never know what happens next, who are we gonna meet, what we will do.

I see so many Caucasians just now, wearing very few clothes, sporting those heavy backpacks, looking around making faces, scowling and frowning while waiting for the bus. Some looked tad serious and had this weary expression - tired maybe. These are common views for foreigners here in terengganu. I have been a foreigner once and it felt good. Being among total strangers and having small talks with by-passers really felt liberating. I kind of liked that. The adventure was so surreal and I was glad to be in the trip.

It was so suffocating to smell those puffs of smokes from those darn smokers. I hate smokers. Just now i saw some hobos sleeping on the benches. To think they had to go through such a life is so sad. It got me real hard. But that's just how life is. Who knows they'd end up that way.

Okay moving on.

Being a woman means you can simply be happy at the thought of donning new clothes for a new trip. As for me, I would always get myself a new garment coz it makes me feel confident having my day in them. It does not have to be expensive, as long as it is new. Haha.

Okay enough of such random posting. Bye.

Friday, March 10, 2017

Hurdles



When you try to calm down and get things done one by one, it feels refreshing. One of the documented weaknesses of women is our tendency to connect all the problems at hands producing a huge chunk of wrecking ball inside our mind, which resulted in chaos in the chambers of thought and it gave us restlessness hence making us overwhelmed with all those feelings of anger, worry and irritation. At the end, you just felt pressured and stressed resulting in elevated amount of cortisol in blood, which is bad. So, instead of troubling yourself by overthinking, try to relax, and resort to men's way of tackling problems i.e. list down everything you want to settle or solve on a piece of paper. By doing so, it helps you to break down your problems into small pieces and you can figure out which step to take in order to solve it according to priorities and order. Indeed it is so true. That's how I tackle my problems - list down everything on a piece of paper.


By the way, the weakness that I mentioned above is not really a weakness. The ability of us, women, to connect all things together come in handy when we do chores - it allows us to multitask greatly. Apart from that, it enables us to connect all those people who are beloved in our life when we take a stroll down the memory lane. Our ability to connect all things at once enables us to love more and appreciate more. 



That's what differentiates men and women. We live to complete one another but at times, women are expected to do what men can do, and to think the way men think. Truthfully, it's hard. Being a woman nowadays is harder than it was 10 to 20 years ago. We are expected to expand our inner mind apart from our outer beauty (which is most likely expected from men). That's a hard cookie.



Nothing ever comes easy. You must work for it.



End.





Daftar belajar dengan my mom. Rase mudah je perjalanan daftar sebab doa mak kan makbul. Berkat bawak mak la mudah je rasa proses semua tu.


Depan asrama.

Monday, March 06, 2017

Mimpi

Mimpi mungkin mainan tidur, tapi sesetengah mimpi mungkin menjadi indikator kepada sesuatu keputusan yg telah atau bakal dibuat.

Vivid dream paling bahaya sebab rase surreal. As if kita betul2 mengalami mende tu sedangkan semua tu mimpi. Kadang terasa jelas apa2 yg berlaku dlm mimpi tu, macam real sangat dengan perasaan cemasnye, berpeluhnye, rase penat berlari. Hari tu mimpi jatuh tempat tinggi. Banyak kali jugak mimpi kene culik. Nauzubillah. Kene kejar dengan org jahat. Sangat menakutkan. Terus tak jadi nak ke USM sorang2. Hahahaha.

Tadi mimpi pasal adik aku pesan jangan terlalu banyak berkurung dalam bilik, bahaya. Sebab boleh jadi mende dok molek. Mgkin sebab bisikan syaitan untuk buat mende jahat. Lepas je adik aku kuar dlm mimpi tu, aku terjaga. Sesaat lepas aku terjaga aku dgr ketukan pintu mak aku suh sembahyang asar.

Bila banyak bersendirian, mmg diakui rase tenang. Tak payah layan kerenah manusia yg berbagai2 jenis tu. Tapi, ade bahayanya. You have all time and space to think about arguable everything. Sometimes you get carried away and lost in thought. It's dangerous.

Thursday, March 02, 2017

Feel like....

Now I feel like running away.

I'm stuck.

I try my best to stay calm stay positive.

But at the end, I got hurt.

I felt suffocated.

Seems like I am not fit to go thru this thing.

No matter how much I force myself to be positive, somehow I felt it is wrong at the pit of my stomach.

This feeling is so frightening.

Ottoke?

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Keeping up with the Koreans



*background song Spring Day BTS*



For the very first time ever, i get to finally be myself. I found my true self when I was away from all the suffocating matters I have in my birth country (ewah). It's indeed true when people say, travelling makes you realize something, something buried deep inside, something that needs to be awakened..and travelling had rejoiced me with an inevitable epiphany. I now realize that life is to be enjoyed, not suffered upon. Granted there are hurdles along the way but we just need to go through it. Coz in life, there is also happiness apart from those struggles and sufferings.



kami pakai hanbok! weee~~~~  (darat)



Jauh perjalanan luas pemandangan.



100% true.



My view was widened so much. Upon contemplating, I know how much i matured upon returning from my sojourn at SK. I believed I had grown physically and mentally better. And I love the new me.

After returning, I feel like a new person. I want to strive in this life no matter what will come ahead. No matter how much tears or blood shall I shed. No matter how much I will sacrifice my every second breathing in this life. Maybe my existence is merely to make them happy. I can maybe claim my happiness in the hereafter. Hopefully God will grant that one wish of mine.




Koreans suka makan garlic. No wonder bau dalam train masam semacam. Ngee~




cantik bandar Seoul ni. very much developed. kat sini banyak guna kaki. memang toned gile kaki sebab banyak berjalan. toned pun iya, cramped pun iya. hahaha.





Gyeongbokgung palace - beautiful view.




ade perarakan masa nie.










feel that winter vibe.








bergambar dengan amoi2 cantik pakai hanbok kat Gyeongbokgung palace. Masa ni mek dzilal hilang tak dapat dikesan.







Namsan Tower







banyak benor kunci dan mangganya. phuh. 



bff




















on the way nak gi Nami Island


wuuu sejuk!








Brrr sejukk!




















lepak2 dalam Nami Gallery. 





meh akak tolong tolak (lol)









Petite French. Kawasan sgt berbukit. Sakit kaki panjat bukit! Turun bukit lagi sakit aduiiii~~~ 
Mujur ligamen lutut tak koyak. Adoi. 















round2 bandar Seoul. area Gyeongbokgung palace



hi chingu.



some random photos...







Makan kat Myeongdeong. Lazat!









Gangnam-gu. 




BTS!!!



BTS setia menunggu train yg tak sampai2 muwahahahah. ni Nawa snap kat stesen area umah dia.



jumpe GD kat Myeongdeong. Hahah.











err perlu ke?





24guesthouse tempat kitorang stay. best tempat nie.







banana milk super sedap. 1200 won. kawan aku jumpe ade rege 1000 won. phuh.



kopi 300 won mesin gedegang depan Masjid Itaewon. sedappp~






Talking about travelling. When travelling in ice-cold weather of winter, it's important to have multiple layered clothing.





As for me, I had  opted 4 layer inner clothes, topped with a thin outerwear. My inner wear consists of 2 fit cotton inner shirt, coated with another cotton knee-length blouse, and finally coated with another blouse made of polyester. I tell you what that combo of inner wear really got me sweating like crazy! Thanks to the polyester material which insulates the heat so well. And this style really becomes handy in winter. Coz the wind was frigging cold your cheeks could've frozen! And of course the outerwear is also important, to provide additional heat and to finish your entire outlook. I chose a navy green cotton long sweater I bought off Lazada for RM45. So cheap yet efficient enough to help me face the killing cold. The trick here is THICK INNERWEAR.


Another thing is to wear two layered pants. I tell you your legs will tremble in such piercing cold weather so two layers of pants is a minimum. I wore 2 pairs of socks to help me cope in such weather. We were walking in temperature of as low as -8°C so thank God I bought a mafla and a pair of gloves. Phuh I was trembling like hell!!! Mafla and gloves are  MUST-HAVE items! Be prepared.
Another thing to prepare is Vaseline and aloe vera. Be sure to bring them along in your bag. They really help you with the dry skin and chapped lips. Kat sana, kau mudah dehydrated. Sejuk camne pun, takdenye rase nak kencing sebab kau banyak berjalan so badan banyak guna air lalu kau mudah jadi dehydrated. Sampai satu tahap, Nawa the tour guide said to us "gerak gerakkan jari tu akak, nanti kulit koyak kalu kering sangat," I was like what?? Koyak??!?! Terrified, terus je gerak2kan sendi tak berenti. Haha.




Truthfully, Vaseline really helped a lot. Rub the petrolatum at your joints and skin so that they will stay moist. The frostbite is something we really wanna avoid. It's so dangerous and terrifying. The thought of losing a finger really was horrendous. Brrr. Tapi kat muka jangan la pegi tepek Vaseline hahaa. Naya kang. Pakai lah losyen muka atau krim pelembap atau BB cream.



Satu lagi!!!! Sunblock.






Kau ingat winter2 ni matahari takde ke? Tengok spek aku tu seme jadi itam dlm gambar. Matahari memang ade terpacak so kene ade sunblock. Dah tu ade matahari nape sejuk kaw2? Diknon, panas2 matahari yg tegak atas kepala, tak bleh lawa sejuk lagi angin yg bertiup. Hahaha. Cumanya mmg kene ade sunblock sbb winter2 pon boleh kene sunburn. Mujur bawak Sunblock cream nanowhite. Phuh selamat daripada burn.


Lastly, kasut! Pastikan beli kasut selesa. Mahal pon takpe. Bleh pakai lama. Sebab kat sana banyak guna kaki. Banyak berjalan dan berlari. Aku beli kasut murah rm50 tak sampai stgh hari kaki sakit. Hahaha. Lutut ni mcm nak tercabut. Mase tu la terbayang nikmatnya kaki bersarung kasut NIKE harga 200 yg selesa amat tu ughhh. Mcm berjalan atas awan haha. Hmm lepas ni jangan sayang duet beli kasut. Syg kaki lagi okay?


Ha tu antara tips yg ade kalau travel musim sejuk. Kalau rajen lagi aku tambah lepas ni.


Wuuu sejuknya.





stroberi 5000 won (approx. RM20). besar gemuk dan manis. bergaduh dengan ahjushi tu meccok aku mintok 2 box 10k won. dia nak bagi 2 box 11k won. aku kata bagi la 10k alang2 kau nak diskaun. pahtu dia mcm nak marah aku. lepas aku kata haa bagi aku se kotak jelah mcm tu gak. last2 ye bagi gak 10k untuk 2 kotak. hahhahahahahh!!! keras jugak aku rupenye. ngihngih.




gula2 pakcik strangers bagi kat train. orang cakap jangan amik makanan strangers offer, kau boleh plak selamba amik ngappp masuk mulut. hahaha.



ahjushi pesara lawyer. salam siap cium tangan. ughhh. menyesal pegi hulur.




minum kopi kat Jamba Juice sebelum naik flight balik Malaysia sorang2 sobs. mujur Nawa teman sampai aku check in luggage. debor wehyh balik sorang2. tapi x debor mana sebab ramai je Malays mase tu. kalau delay (nauzubilah) aku berkampung la dengan depa kat airport tu. 




Bye2 Korea. 




mellow melodies

where you can reach me.

where you can reach me.

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