Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Stoic



It kinds of hurt when your voice is unheard. It makes your heart aches. When people go around trampling on you heart or your feelings like that, it makes you feel sad and mad and bad and you kind of feel like a loser - worthless. Yes, we can't control what people say, but we can control what we feel and/or react to those whatever things coming out of their mouth. Still, some feelings are uncontrollable. There are things which cannot be forced in this world. Hell, I don't even really understand how the cruel world really works or what are the answers to the questions of life but that's just how mysterious life is. 


However mysterious, you still have to go on with it. 


However bad, you still gotta run (not only literally but metaphorically). 


However painful, you still have to move on. 



I had been going through so many things last week till yesterday. Having to shuffle around with so many things on my plate, my head is so messed up - everything got mixed up and tangled and caused me to feel suffocated. I was at my own LIMIT. Kore wa genkai desu~



So they say thinking makes you feel lethargic way more than when you go around sweating you body off. There were so many things to do and my hands were checking out all the todo list things. Only now I had the passion to write something here. Kind of reminds me of the olden days when writing has become my very routine - I could write 3 to 4 post blogs per day. I don't care about the CONTENT, I care about my feeling. At least I am trying to be honest. I have my own struggle, even when people don't understand and judge me or belittle my way, I am proud of who I am. Doesn't mean I don't wanna change to become better, coz I do. I am still adapting here. Just so you know, I am into 6th month of being here and like what a counselor told me, by average a person requires at least 6 months to adapt to new environment. 



I am still in the process and having so many things to do, I get easily burned out, hence I require some rest. No matter how others might perceive me as giving excuses or what not, what we feel and think is not similar to what they think or do or feel. You are not in my shoes, so you must not judge me. Even your schedule is not same as mine. I believe, I don't have to race with people, I have to race with myself. Let me set my own goals and beat each goal one by one. Nobility doesn't lie in surpassing other people, but it lies in how you surpass yourself. As long as I try to be better today than yesterday, that'd be already awesome. By all means, you go your way, I'll go my way. 



my fragility and vulnerability are not for you to see
coz I know you won't ever be ready.
coz I know you will judge me,
coz you only wanna see what you wanna see.
you only wanna listen what you wanna listen,
you wont listen to me, see me, or feel me,
your agility and tenacity are surely amazing feats
but my dignity won't depend on your mentality,
i choose to be me. I AM ME. 






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